Not So Sweet Emotion

I think I might be having an emotional breakdown. I give you the following as evidence:

1.) I burst into tears at a display of first birthday attire at Babys R Us today
2.) I spontaneously cried as we sang Happy Birthday to our friend's son at his first b-day party yesterday
3.) I sobbed all the way home from Babys R Us after R said "we have so much to look forward to."
4.) I cried as the ball dropped New Year's Eve b/c my baby was no longer born this year

There is more. But I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say that I am being hit blindsided by this emotion. I would chalk it up to being a pregnant woman, which I am sure is part of it. But part of it is also that my little girl is growing up. Things are changing. And even though I love the new little person she is becoming, my heart is breaking over the little person she is no longer.

She is all but done nursing. I am struggling to eek out two feedings a day, but she no longer cares or wants it. If we make it to the 25th, I will be pleased. She is so independent and always wants to be on the floor, exploring. She is no longer content to just sit in my arms. I can't pop her in the sling and run into the store. She wants to feel, touch and experience everything and I love it. Really, I do. This new her is so interesting and fun. She is like a little companion. But I will never have my tiny Sam back again. No matter how much I wish I could hold her, nurse her or cuddle her once more. She is gone. And in her place is this rockin' near-toddler whom I adore, but barely recognize.

I really thought I had escaped this weepy melancholy so many of my fellow moms describe around this same time. I thought the pregnancy made me immune. Now I wonder if it makes it worse. Yes, I will hold another sweet, tiny baby this year (G-d willing) and yes, I will nurse again before this year is out. But it will never be Sam again. She is on the fact track to toddlerville and all I can do is stumble behind, trying not to cry.