Sunday, January 6, 2008

Not So Sweet Emotion

I think I might be having an emotional breakdown. I give you the following as evidence:

1.) I burst into tears at a display of first birthday attire at Babys R Us today
2.) I spontaneously cried as we sang Happy Birthday to our friend's son at his first b-day party yesterday
3.) I sobbed all the way home from Babys R Us after R said "we have so much to look forward to."
4.) I cried as the ball dropped New Year's Eve b/c my baby was no longer born this year

There is more. But I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say that I am being hit blindsided by this emotion. I would chalk it up to being a pregnant woman, which I am sure is part of it. But part of it is also that my little girl is growing up. Things are changing. And even though I love the new little person she is becoming, my heart is breaking over the little person she is no longer.

She is all but done nursing. I am struggling to eek out two feedings a day, but she no longer cares or wants it. If we make it to the 25th, I will be pleased. She is so independent and always wants to be on the floor, exploring. She is no longer content to just sit in my arms. I can't pop her in the sling and run into the store. She wants to feel, touch and experience everything and I love it. Really, I do. This new her is so interesting and fun. She is like a little companion. But I will never have my tiny Sam back again. No matter how much I wish I could hold her, nurse her or cuddle her once more. She is gone. And in her place is this rockin' near-toddler whom I adore, but barely recognize.

I really thought I had escaped this weepy melancholy so many of my fellow moms describe around this same time. I thought the pregnancy made me immune. Now I wonder if it makes it worse. Yes, I will hold another sweet, tiny baby this year (G-d willing) and yes, I will nurse again before this year is out. But it will never be Sam again. She is on the fact track to toddlerville and all I can do is stumble behind, trying not to cry.

1 comment:

Kristi said...

The weepiness gets the best of us, even those with cynical jaded souls living on the inside. Your baby is growing up, but she still needs you. It's hard to see her babyhood fleeting, but it's fascinating to watch the toddler develop too.