Yesterday afternoon, R and I were holding Samara as she slept listening to her lullaby CD. All cuddled up on our soft couch on a cold Fri afternoon in February, I think it was the most beautiful moment of my life. It was R's last day of paternity leave and it is killing us both. Each moment with Samara feels so precious and so, so fleeting.
I know we will love every phase of her life, but we only get about a month with her like this. So sweet and sleepy, so luscious, so willing to be held. Each movement, every little involuntary arm kick that I recognize as what I once felt inside me, they will all end. Soon she will talk, then walk, then gradually start moving away from us. Even the thought of her umbilical cord stump falling off, disgusting scab that it is, makes me sad. It is the last remnant of the incredible connection we shared for 38 weeks. When I watched R cut the cord after delivery, I did have a second of intense sadness. It seemed so abrupt after all my waiting. In two snips of a sharp pair of scissors, we were unbound and became two separate individuals.
I think we both understand our parents a little better. Every milestone--graduation, weddings, etc. They all mark endings and beginnings. It seems so odd that we love and dedicate ourselves so wholly to our children so that they can only leave us. I can't believe she is already more than a week old. Even when it is so hard, I sometimes wish I could slow time down so that I can hold her a little longer on my lap, asleep after a feeding with lips still white with milk, eyes shut, curled between the boppy and my stomach. Even 10 times a day does not seem like enough.
I was so anxious to have her and she accomodated by coming early. But I hope she will not be in such a hurry to grow up. We need so many more moments like this: