I knew I was not going to look fantastic after I gave birth. I knew my stomach would deflate slowly and that I would still look pregnant immediately after. None of that bothered me. Inititally.
Today I took Samara on two outings (remind me how EXHAUSTING it is to go out with a baby the next time I suggest such a field trip). The first, to her pediatrician, which she hates. Then I went to my favorite maternity store to buy a nursing bra and a hooter hider for nursing in public (LOVE these). I had to try on the nursing bra and what I saw in the dressing room nothing short of horrified me. I do not look like I recently gave birth. I look like a spent a year on my couch having an intimate relationship with hundreds of boxes of ho-hos. Good lord. I am wide and fat in places I have never been. It was all I could do not to burst into tears.
Of course it did not help when five minutes later I was checking out and the woman in front of me (with a son one week older than Samara) giggled (or mockingly cackled as I prefer) and said, "well I have lost all the weight I gained in pregnancy, so I am sure my bra size will be consistent for a while." Yeah, good for her. 34D, eh? I was buying a 36H and feeling oh-so-moo-cow. Not loving that woman. Not at all. So far, I have lost about 20 pounds of the 48 total I gained. That leaves 28 pounds dispersed on my hips, butt, arms and worst of all--stomach. I cannot imagine where I will find the time to work out like I used to, but I also can't imagine going out looking like this.
Before anyone tells me how I should be feeling, let me preempt them by saying I would never trade my gorgeous loveable daughter for my 25" waist. I know what I sacrificed my figure for. But why can't I just have both? Or at least some semblance of my former self? I almost feel ashamed to leave my house, like I want a sign that says "recently given birth" when I am not with Samara. Does this make me a horrible ingrate? Maybe. But I still want a waistline.
The irony is that my little one is still not up to her birth weight, but she did put on five ounces. How sad to be celebrating her weight gain while lamenting my own. It is going to take a lot of work for both of us to get where we belong.