Monday, February 5, 2007

Dressing Room Horror

I knew I was not going to look fantastic after I gave birth. I knew my stomach would deflate slowly and that I would still look pregnant immediately after. None of that bothered me. Inititally.

Today I took Samara on two outings (remind me how EXHAUSTING it is to go out with a baby the next time I suggest such a field trip). The first, to her pediatrician, which she hates. Then I went to my favorite maternity store to buy a nursing bra and a hooter hider for nursing in public (LOVE these). I had to try on the nursing bra and what I saw in the dressing room nothing short of horrified me. I do not look like I recently gave birth. I look like a spent a year on my couch having an intimate relationship with hundreds of boxes of ho-hos. Good lord. I am wide and fat in places I have never been. It was all I could do not to burst into tears.

Of course it did not help when five minutes later I was checking out and the woman in front of me (with a son one week older than Samara) giggled (or mockingly cackled as I prefer) and said, "well I have lost all the weight I gained in pregnancy, so I am sure my bra size will be consistent for a while." Yeah, good for her. 34D, eh? I was buying a 36H and feeling oh-so-moo-cow. Not loving that woman. Not at all. So far, I have lost about 20 pounds of the 48 total I gained. That leaves 28 pounds dispersed on my hips, butt, arms and worst of all--stomach. I cannot imagine where I will find the time to work out like I used to, but I also can't imagine going out looking like this.

Before anyone tells me how I should be feeling, let me preempt them by saying I would never trade my gorgeous loveable daughter for my 25" waist. I know what I sacrificed my figure for. But why can't I just have both? Or at least some semblance of my former self? I almost feel ashamed to leave my house, like I want a sign that says "recently given birth" when I am not with Samara. Does this make me a horrible ingrate? Maybe. But I still want a waistline.

The irony is that my little one is still not up to her birth weight, but she did put on five ounces. How sad to be celebrating her weight gain while lamenting my own. It is going to take a lot of work for both of us to get where we belong.

4 comments:

Kristi said...

Don't worry. You will lose it all very soon, especially since you're breastfeeding. It does take a little time (for me, about three months or so), but you'll get there. Remember, you're not even two weeks past delivery! Oh, and while huge now, your breasts will get smaller as time goes on too. Not as small as they were pre-baby, of course, but smaller than they are now.

Kris said...

If I could slap that witch in the store, I would. That's just not right...or safe. I know that I've not yet been in your situation, but I will say that its been less than 2 weeks since this this wonderful blessing came into this world...your world. Not to sound like I'm on some soapbox, but you are one determind, strong woman...and in time, you'll get your figure back in a healthy way. And you'll look great holding that beautiful little girl. Again, I'm not speaking from experince, but as a friend who is rooting you along all the way.

Steph said...

Just read your 'Home Alone' post so let me serenade you with an equally bad singing voice *ahem* "You are so beautifuuuulll to meeeeeeeee. Can't you seeeeeeee?" :) You will be back to looking and feeling like your old self soon; hang in there!

Chantel said...

With both of my boys I used a baby sling. They both loved it and so did I. If they were fussy it always calmed them down. I could hide my tummy and my hands were free to get things done.
Breath her in, they grow up so fast.
Chantel