As my little bear grows from cub to grizzly, I am awash in a familiar feeling: sadness.
He is 10.5 months, finally getting mobile, drinking from a sippy cup and always trying to be on the floor. Last night, these facts almost incited a panic attack. He is my baby. And he is growing so fast.
This morning I saw a photo of a newborn and burst into tears. I can't believe my baby has gotten so big, so fast.
I know a lot of moms say they feel this as they close in on a year and I remember feeling a mild degree of it when Sam did, but I when Sam was this age I was two months pregnant with Ani. Now? I know he might be my last (although to ask R, we are due three more babies). If you'd asked me last week if I wanted two more kids, I would have laughed. Now? Maybe I do. Gotta keep those babies coming so I can always have one.
Seriously people, I am down. When I sent the kids to the sitter today, R had to forcibly remove Alan from my arms. I miss his little sweet face already and he has only been gone an hour. I am questioning my work and my desire to do it because all I want is to cuddle with my baby before he becomes too big to do so.
Ok, now that I have thoroughly depressed myself, I will move on to other news.
I need to start blogging more, it's true. So much is new over here. Sam was accepted at a bilingual preschool recently. It is more than I wanted to spend. But in the end, we decided to bite the bullet. This is for a lot of reasons.
1.) The bilingual education--At Sam's age, her language retention ability is astounding. This is really the time to expose both kids to this kind of experience. To that end, we are doing sing a longs and story time and playdates, all in Spanish. I am amazed how quickly she is learning.
2.) The program--the place is well-run, professional and jives with my philosophy. The kids get yoga every afternoon, they share friendship fruit (a fruit salad made of various fruits the children bring from home), they play, craft and alternate between drama and dance in the afternoons.
3.) Sam herself--Sam is a precocious kid who I think will benefit from a program like this more than the other schools we toured. The money is hard to part with (and will be even harder once Alan starts, too), but we have been paying $1200 a month for two days of baby sitting anyway. Besides, it is well worth it.
I have also made a big decision in my own life. I am training for my first marathon. I have been a runner for more than six years, run countless 5ks, 10ks, seven-milers and more. I am semi fast for someone who is recreational (ie, never ran in college) and can do about 12 miles without batting an eyelash. I love running--pushing myself to the outer limit of what I am capable of and then going beyond it--as much as I love my family in my many ways. So, it is time to step it up and put my money where my mouth is.
Oct. 4 I will be running the Peak Performance Maine Marathon. Since I am a bit of a running snob, I am clearly going to have to step it up a notch. For me, it is not enough to simply complete the course, I have to do it in a time that makes me proud. I am aiming for under four hours, but what I really want is to run a Boston Marathon qualifying time (under 3:40). I know I can do it. That means maintaining an 8-minute pace the whole time, which is pretty much what I run anyway. But to do so means a combination of speed training, distance training and hill training. It is a lot of work.
Of course, I know myself well enough to know I will do it. I am not a sedentary person. What I am more worried about is that I will injure myself pushing too hard. I have recently started biking again and as always, do yoga and lifting. I am also going to add some spinning to the mix.
Finally I have waited long enough. Boston 2010. Here I come.