Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Hitting the Wall

I know I was very excited a couple of weeks ago regarding my weight loss efforts, but this week, I hit the wall.

I should know this happens, but it is still a surprise every time.

I am stuck. I have been the same weight since the last time I blogged about it. My body image is so dependent on the last time I weighed myself and watching the scale stay stuck is making me plummet. Why does this have to be so hard?

The aftermath of a pregnancy on the body is not pretty. I am heavier everywhere--my arms, my hips, my stomach. And I run constantly. I know this is the most frustrating part so I am trying to stay calm, but I am having trouble going out to visit friends. I want to pull a Katie Holmes and extend my fake pregnancy so I can remove the belly and voila! be thin.

I know the pressure is all in my head. Nobody else (really) cares how I look and my husband is always more than complimentary. This is entirely about me, my feelings and my relationship with myself. I want this for me. No one else. The other day I looked at the photos of myself from recently and wanted to cry. Nothing fits.

I hate not feeling like myself. I hate that my body does not reflect how much I work out or how well I eat right now. I hate going to the gym and feeling like I am the overweight woman everyone thinks can't win (I know, I have issues). My friend told me the other day that no one cares, but I think she is wrong.

People size each other up all the time. And right now my looks do not reflect my dedication to health and fitness. I am entering the phase where I am terrified that nothing will fit again, that I will never again be thin. I remember this from last time.

It will pass. I hope.

I have two rewards at the end of all this. One, a trip to the Bahamas alone with R this Feb. I plan to be in a bikini. The other, a new wardrobe from Lulu Lemon once I am back in my old size. I have time and I have motivation.


Kristi said...

I'm dreading going through this in a few months. BUT, you did it before. You'll do it again. And you're highly motivated. I have no doubts you'll get there.

PS: I thought the kids were going to the wedding with you?

Lis Garrett said...

I know this isn't any consolation, but I've seen some recent pictures of you, and I think you look great!

My husband alluded to the fact that we both could stand to lose a little weight and, quite honestly, I was hurt he had included me in that statement. I am 5'4 and weigh 115. I wear a size 4. Sure I'm not as toned or muscular as I once was, but I am not even close to being overweight. Pregnancy (and age) change a body, after all.

But like Kristi said, you'll get there. I wish I had just an ounce of your motivation.