My last couple runs have been less than pleasant. On Tuesday, I attempted to make it three miles outside. I made it about 2.5 and believe me, I paid the price in painful legs and quite a few contractions. Today, I tried to run two miles on the treadmill. I made it 1.5 and had to walk the rest thanks to several contractions.
I believe the time to stop may be at hand. I can make it about a mile and then all hell breaks loose on my joint and legs. But I can take the pain. What I can't take are the contractions. Ever tried to run through one? Ouch. That is about all I have to say about that.
I will continue to wind it down, doing a mile or two as long as I can, but I may have to surrender to the fact that my days are numbered. I am fine with risking my own body, but I do not want to risk the baby's. I am going to have to slow it down.
Now the hard part is actually allowing myself the space to do that. Sometimes I get stuck on an idea (like, I want to be running three miles the day I go into labor) and giving up on that idea feels like failure. I think I can probably make it another few weeks at a mile and a half a day or so, but it will be a struggle and I am not sure it really "counts" as still running.
I'd like to say I am ok with it. I will be. But I am not right now. Right now, it feels a bit like I am breaking a promise to myself. In the gym this morning, I was feeling a lot of irrational anger towards my husband whose life is changing, to be sure. But not nearly as much as mine. I know it is only 15 weeks, but even after that, my body will not be normal for at least three months. I am definitely in a phase right now where I cannot imagine doing this for a third time.
A huge part of my sense of self is wrapped up in my physical self, not just my appearance, but what I can do, what I can accomplish, how much I can push myself. To have no choice but to take it easy (well, easier anyway. don't think this means I will stop spinning or power walking or lifting or doing yoga), means to surrender, when I am someone who likes control or at least the illusion of it.
I will continue running a mile a day as long as I can, but I am also coming to terms with the fact that this is really not up to me. Right now I have no choice but to listen to my body.