Friday, April 18, 2008

With Sign of Slowing...

My last couple runs have been less than pleasant. On Tuesday, I attempted to make it three miles outside. I made it about 2.5 and believe me, I paid the price in painful legs and quite a few contractions. Today, I tried to run two miles on the treadmill. I made it 1.5 and had to walk the rest thanks to several contractions.

I believe the time to stop may be at hand. I can make it about a mile and then all hell breaks loose on my joint and legs. But I can take the pain. What I can't take are the contractions. Ever tried to run through one? Ouch. That is about all I have to say about that.

I will continue to wind it down, doing a mile or two as long as I can, but I may have to surrender to the fact that my days are numbered. I am fine with risking my own body, but I do not want to risk the baby's. I am going to have to slow it down.

Now the hard part is actually allowing myself the space to do that. Sometimes I get stuck on an idea (like, I want to be running three miles the day I go into labor) and giving up on that idea feels like failure. I think I can probably make it another few weeks at a mile and a half a day or so, but it will be a struggle and I am not sure it really "counts" as still running.

I'd like to say I am ok with it. I will be. But I am not right now. Right now, it feels a bit like I am breaking a promise to myself. In the gym this morning, I was feeling a lot of irrational anger towards my husband whose life is changing, to be sure. But not nearly as much as mine. I know it is only 15 weeks, but even after that, my body will not be normal for at least three months. I am definitely in a phase right now where I cannot imagine doing this for a third time.

A huge part of my sense of self is wrapped up in my physical self, not just my appearance, but what I can do, what I can accomplish, how much I can push myself. To have no choice but to take it easy (well, easier anyway. don't think this means I will stop spinning or power walking or lifting or doing yoga), means to surrender, when I am someone who likes control or at least the illusion of it.

I will continue running a mile a day as long as I can, but I am also coming to terms with the fact that this is really not up to me. Right now I have no choice but to listen to my body.


Kristi said...

I give you a lot of credit for making it this far. Definitely listen to your body's signs. You aren't surrendering. Your body is being inhabitated by another human being, and right now he is calling the shots.

halloweenlover said...

I also think it is amazing that you've made it this far, you can't feel like you are failing! You look fantastic!

One thing I was thinking, though. My friend ran until the day she gave birth because she found a belly belt for running, it held up her belly and kept her from having contractions and she swore by it. Maybe you already have one or have already tried one, but she really swore that it made all the difference. I could get details from her if you are interested. But maybe you already know.

How about walking fast? That has great benefits too!