My perspective has left the building. Two things occurred today to make this happen:
1.) I took an ill-advised trip to my gym scale and discovered that I have already put on between 21-23 pounds. This is right around where I was the first time, which means I could well be on my way to a 48 pound weight gain. Again.
2.) My cleaning lady asked me this morning if I was pregnant (I had neglected to tell her). "You go to the gym everyday and you just keep getting fatter," she told me. "I was worried about you." Don't worry. Contextually, this was very funny. She was not being insulting or anything, so I am not trying to villify her. But my days of hiding are officially O.V.E.R
I would like to say that I am taking these events in stride. But I am not. I worked SO hard to get that baby weight off and I was quite pleased with my ability to be in a bikini last summer and the fact that I lost all of the 48 pounds before the nine-month mark. It makes me sick to my stomach (which may be a good thing at this point) to watch those numbers climb again and to realize I am going to have to do it all over again only this time with less time and more stretching of my skin.
I know it is healthy. I know I need to surrender to it, but it is killing me. I feel like stopping people who see me to explain that this is not just baby weight. I really did lose it. This is a whole other pregnancy! Then I realize this would make me look like a psycho, which I might very well be.
I am being honest here, people. This is seriously hard stuff. I have spent almost two years of my life either pregnant or nursing at this point and I want my damn body back to normal and back to myself. I was truly depressed when I looked in the mirror after Sam. What I saw made me sick. I am not saying that to elicit compliments or even sympathy. I am saying it because it is the truth.
It is so hard to not feel like myself, to not have control over my body, to watch those numbers climb and not be able to do a damn thing about it. A better woman might be able to take it. But not me. This is hard and I am not going to lie about it anymore.