Today feels a bit like the end of an era.
For the first 10 months of Sam's life, I was never away from her for more than two hours. It was hard to be so attached to my child, but also hard to be away from her. Gradally over the last couple months, I have started to let go a bit. She spent the night at my parent's on New Years. I have a regular babysitter on Friday afternoons (who I love). I sometimes even shower after my workout so she is in the gym daycare for close to two hours some days. She loves it. She knows I will return. And she loves other children. So why does her starting daycare tomorrow make me want to cry and hide under my bed?
Most moms I have spoken with had similar feelings when their little ones started daycare. I know I am not alone in my fears. I truly trust the woman I am leaving Sam with. But the thought of walking out that door and leaving her behind for eight hours brings tears to my eyes.
I make myself feel better by saying it is only two days a week (one to start) and that it will be good for her overall. Both of these are facts. But I am scared I will not be able to do it, scared of how much I will miss her and scared of what might happen if she is out of my sight.
And all of these fears are probably the reason daycare/childcare is in order. I need to let go, just a little. I am going to give it a month, see how I feel and reassess. If the guilt and sadness continue unabated, then I might have to pull her out. But I really do believe this is the best thing for all of us. And now I just need the strength to do it.