My appointment was canceled this morning. Because we got two inches of snow and tomorrow is a holiday. Yep, incompetence rules this time of year and I am paying the price. The next available appointment was Thursday at 11 a.m.
I was irate and in full grinch mode (have I mentioned how much I LOATHE this time of year?). Between the excessive, cloying Christmas music, the preternaturally cheerful salespeople and the universal assumption that everyone in this country celebrates the birth of Jesus, I get so angry. R and I do not exchange gifts. This year we did not get a tree. Typically I even miss working on the holidays and just wish I could hold my breath for the two week incompetence fest that is the holiday season. How do people stand the long lines in the mall? The jingling Santa hats? The fake Santa crap? And now this. Since when is it ok for medical professionals to shirk their duties "because its the holidays?"
But I digress....
After I thought about the situation rationally for an hour, it occurred to me that, although I am still smarting from the rude treatment, the net effect is not that big of a deal. I will go in on Thursday and they will date the pregnancy. The anxiety is really all mine. My midwife said there was nothing to worry about and I tend to believe her and here's why:
1.) This weekend I took another pregnancy test and the control line was three times lighter than the pregnancy line, indicating a still very high level of hormones in my body.
2.) I am still having nausea, bloating, constipation, etc. My symptoms have not lessened, thus lowering the chances of a missed miscarriage.
And most of all: 3.) I thought a lot about this, this weekend and I came to the conclusion that I am somewhat comfortable with the results, whatever they may be. There are 10,000 reasons why we can and should wait to have our second. While I am happy to have this baby if it is meant to be and I will love him/her as much as I love my Sammy (hard to imagine, though), this may not be the time to do it. And that would be ok. If there is something wrong with this fetus, I would be sad, but I would also trust that my body knew it wasn't right. I know that I CAN have a child so it would not be nearly as devastating as it would have been the first time.
All this being said, the main reason I wanted my appointment today was that I wanted to know. I do not want to have to wait. I just want to know. Plain and simple. But I am going to have to wait a little longer. The reality is, it is not going to change the outcome whether I know today or Thursday and, as of now, my instincts are pointing towards a positive outcome anyway. So, Thursday it is....