Saturday, September 8, 2007

Won't You be My Shitty, F*cking Neighbor

If it were not my life, it would be almost funny. I swear our neighbors stay up at night trying to come up with new and improved ways to annoy us. They block our driveway almost daily. They have five people living in a two bedroom apartment. They run their water (and vacuum) constantly. And those are just the little things. I know city living has its drawbacks, but this is too much. They are driving me bat sh*t insane. I am about to start sleeping in my car just to escape their constant barrage of annoying behavior. with no further ado, I give you my Brazilian neighors' top 5, all time most annoying moments:

#5.) In Boston, among townies, there is an unwritten rule: if you shovel a street spot in the winter, it remains yours until the snow melts. When I lived in the city, people would get into fistfights over their spots. Most people blocked their shoveled spaces with an object--a chair, an empty garbage truck, a recycling bin--something to designate the spot as taken. This practice was subsequently banned by the mayor, but many still practice it and most people know not to park in a shoveled street spot. It is just bad manners. Last winter, R shoveled our spot, moved the car and two hours later, our Brazilian neighbor had parked their car in its place. Later, when they moved, they took OUR chairs from OUR porch to mark the spot as theirs. Nice. Needless to say, we took our chairs back--and the spot, to boot. But who does that??

#4.) Despite my repeated pleas to STOP BLOCKING THE GODDAMN DRIVEWAY, our neighbor parks his massive behomoth of a commercial van at the end of our driveway so frequently that I had to take to calling the cops on him. Sorry if getting out of my car to ring his bell and wait for him to move his massive, illegal truck while my newborn daughter waits shivering in the car is not not my idea of a racous, good time. We bought the outside spot for a reason. But somehow our incredibly selfish neighbor forgot that. To make matters worse, he also tells his friends they can park there. Who does this???

#3.) We had a $3k water bill thanks to the 15 transients they allow to live in their house. But when we confront him? He tells us there are only "four people." As if. There are five names on the mailbox alone. As if.

#2.) The near constant, stomping they do above our heads. Their toddler runs back and forth, back and forth ceaselessly all day. since it seems like at least 10 people live there, there is never a quiet time, no time when they are all seated. It sounds like they square dance all goddamn day.

And, drumroll please... #1.) Now our neighbor has decided to park a MASSIVE 25 FOOT truck in a parking spot right in front of our window that is only 25 feet long, ie, it takes up more than half the driveway and completely blocks our window:

Nevermind that the condo docs explicitly ban commercial vehicles. Nevermind that he completely blocks any semblance of a view we might have had. Or that his truck makes it next to impossible to park our wagon in OUR SPOT THAT WE BOUGHT FOR AN UNGODLY SUM. We are going to have to call the police, yet again. Are you kidding???

Bonus: Just in case anyone was not sufficiently offended by #'s 1-5, I give you an added bonus. He is constantly doing some form of construction on his house. Last month, one of his little projects interfered with the wiring of our buidling's smoke detectors. So what does genius do? Does he fix them? Oh no. He rips them down. Nevermind that it is a FELONY. Nevermind that there are two children living in the house. The next week, the basement alarm goes off. The fire department arrives and fines our building. Guess what else?? They found that our neighbor's illegal plumbing had released carbon monoxide into our house. They had to shut down our gas.

I am so beyond frustrated with this man. Then when R called him to chat about all things truck, he had the nerve to yell at him, saying all we do is complain. Um, yeah. I want him to take his window blocking truck; cadre of crappy commercial vehicles; stupid, shirtless friends; ice cream eating toddler and garbage producing wife and MOVE to Framingham. There he can park 15 trucks on his lawn for all I care. Just get the hell out of my neighborhood.


M said...

Ah yes. I call them ghetto neighbors. I've definitely had my share, including weekly parties right next door (i.e 8 feet away)thrown by a bunch of high school kids in their parents' empty house. Lovely. Can the condo people do anything? Like we finally went to our HOA and complained which brought the partying to an immediate hault, otherwise ghetto neighbors would have been fined an insane amount of $.

Stephanie said...

If you'd ever like to commiserate about shitty f*cking neighbors, call me. We've had 911 on speed dial ever since our next door neighbor tried to BURN DOWN HER HOUSE. Yes, and today we saw her and her husband pushing an elliptical machine down the street to store in their condemned house. With no electricity. Or water. That they continue to live in. Viva la city living!

Janie said...

Talk about shitting neighbors. I had one for 3 years. The idiot actually had his landlady pay him 2600 to do work to the house before he moved ( and after getting free room and board for 5 weeks). He was an alcoholic, unemployed, and never left us alone. He'd sit on his porch, and complain about everything. Now, this man was only 49, but you'd think he was 69. He had two teenage kids which drove all of the neighbors crazy. I feel for you. and the transients( spelling) in your neighbors home? my neighbor had a small 2 bedroom home and invited his sister and brother in law to move in with him for 6 months. One of them was always on the front porch watching everything that went on. sheesh. I'm glad to be rid of him, but what's next?

Kristi said...

Oh God, Sasha. I would be one step away from a padded cell if I was in your situation. I'm fortunate in that the only neighbor "situation" I have to deal with is pouring bleach into my eyeballs when my 80-something neighbor hangs her granny panties and bras on her clothesline each week.

I guess my recommendation is to keep calling the cops. Any chance they'll move out anytime soon? Any chance you will? ;)

Nikki said...

Hi, I'm Liz's friend. You and I have never met, but my boyfriend and I are having problems with our upstairs neighbors BECAUSE THEY ARE SO F**ING LOUD! They, too, have a toddler (we've named him Marbles, because he has some sort of toy that he drops CONSTANTLY on the hardwood that emits a sharp, rapid-fire, plinking sound at ALL HOURS), and they are completely inconsiderate of the people (us) living beneath them. AMEN SISTA, I understand what you're going through!

Beagle said...

How frustrating!