Well, I did it. I am now a free agent. I have a few really good leads on freelance work--some stuff I am very excited about. But I am also not counting on it. Basically, I am on my own now.
It is hard to say how I feel because it is such a mix between relief, excitement and sadness. And fear. There is a lot of that, too. And nausea. There is definitely some light nausea. It was a bigger decision than I ever could have imagined three months ago when it felt like a given. But mostly I am so grateful that I don't have to leave Samara. If I had to go back to work next Tues, I would have been much sicker.
Of course, as I was quitting, Samara was sitting in her swing. It was a 10 minute conversation where I spoke of being a mother and how wonderful it is and how I just want to devote myself, unencumbered, to my child for a few years. She was a little fussy, but not too bad. When I went down to get her, I was explaining to her that she is my new focus and I love her so much, I could not leave her. She was looking at me like I was nuts. Soon I realized why. The poor thing was soaked in urine. Her diaper had leaked. So, yeah. I am already sucking at my new job on the first official day. I am pretty sure letting the baby stew in her own filth is grounds for dismissal at any daycare.