Friday, March 30, 2007

Shut the F Up

One of my favorite things about living in a Northeastern city is cutting the bullsh*t. I do not need to pretend to be nice to people and they, in turn, do not pretend to be nice to me. It is an enormous relief to not have expectations of people. I KNOW they will not hold the door for me or they will cut me off in traffic or they will cut in front of me in line. I know this so I do it right back. I hate faux cheer and saying hello to strangers. If I don't know you, I don't want to be talking to you. End of story. People mind their own business in a city. Occassionally I do not like it, like the time I sprained my ankle while running, fell down and cried and people just walked over me. That was sweet. But mostly I like my anonymity and I like being a part of what many people consider the rudest city in the country. It's not rude, dude. It's realistic.

All this changes when you have a baby. We had a mini taste of this with Rocky, but oh lord it is 100 times worse with a baby. I have never had more people offer to hold doors, help carry the stroller upstairs or (most annoying of all) talk to me on line when I am stuck and then must feel uncomfortable for 20 minutes as we continue to wait and I have nothing left to say. Everyone is up in my face, oohing and aahing and asking questions and commenting. Gee, you think my baby is small? NO ONE else has mentioned that. Thanks so much. I am probably not SENSITIVE about it or anything. Or how about: "Is your baby sleeping through the night?" Love this one. When would you ever ask a stranger if they had a good nights sleep and why do you care. Chances are, if my baby is NOT sleeping through the night, the last thing I want to do is chat about it with a stranger on line at the post office. So, my plan is to make a handy list of answers to questions that I will hand out as hush fliers. When a stranger looks like they may open their mouth to talk to me, I will place my fingers over my lips, say "shhh" and hand them the following:

"Thank you. My baby is super cute. We love her. I think we will keep her (insert laughter). Yes, her father is so tall, we have no idea why she is so small. But her doctor says she is just petite. It's ok. She's healthy. She is sleeping through the night, thanks so much for your concern, actually. She started when we brought her home so it is really nothing we have done. No, we do not credit anyone for it. Just luck, I guess. I did not have hemorroids during my pregnancy, but I did have one after labor. Wanna hear about it? Also, I hear you are having money troubles and your husband is out to lunch with a young blond who has a nice rack right now. Have a good day. Thanks for chatting."

And they call this city rude.

8 comments:

Mackenzie said...

I usually roll my eyes at women with strollers and babies, because they take up too much space on the subway and block the exits during rush hour. The other day, I said, "Heard of a taxi?" to one. Does this make you feel better? :)

Kristi said...

LOL
Yeah, no one seemed to want to talk to me when I was out and about pre-baby, but now, God, I'm like a freaking magnet for the chatty. Love the idea of your fliers. Can you print one off and mail it to me?

R said...

Hey honey, since when did you start saying "on line"? We're from OH. We say "in line", "pop", and "to all get out". I'm online right now, but there is nobody behind me or in front of me. When I hear people say "I'm standing on line", it makes me think makes me think the cookie monster is touring the Freedom Trail.

ML xoxo said...

Yikes! Maybe it's just 'cuz I'm old (and from Ohio,) but when I talk to a new mom (or dad) , it's just because there is a 'fondness' I feel with her...I feel as if I'm seeing someone at a new and wonderful time of her life and just want to say, "hey...I've been there...it's new and scary, but it's the greatest thing in the world." Oh, and also just 'cuz babies (small or large) are so damn cute!

OmYogaGSpree said...
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dogsrock said...
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Stephanie said...

Oh man...I missed the troll! I'm too late :(

Stephanie said...

P.S. I just saw a t-shirt for sale that says "Yes. I'm pregnant. It's a girl. I'm due in May. Thanks for asking."