Samara Two Months

It is hard to believe she has been around for two months. It is also hard to believe the love I have for someone I have known for such a short amount of time.

Yesterday she had her two month check up, which is also the start of her routine vaccination schedule. I knew I woud cry when she got them and as I predicted, the tears flowed. She was so sweet and trusting on R's lap and did not flinch when the needle first went in. It took her a second to feel it and then she screamed. It was awful. What I did not expect was the residual guilt I feel. I wonder if I did enough research or if the vaccinations are really necessary. I hate that we injected our child with foreign substances just because that's the way it is done and we had them before. I am amazed by how guilty and sad I feel. I just did not expect it all. And I am so glad she was not born a boy because I know I would not be able to handle a bris. If we ever do have a boy, I am going to seriously consider not having him circumcised despite my religion. I have no need to see my child's blood. Ever. But especially not before they are walking. I felt sick after yesterday's appointment.

Today she has been running a slight fever and has not pooped since the shots. The doctor assures me that she is not "constipated" until it is three days, but I am still very bothered. We let her get the new Rotavirus vaccine even though it has only been on the market a year. At the time it made sense, but now I feel like we poisoned her. The old vaccine was taken off the market for causing intestinal blockages and I know I will never forgive myself if the same thing happens with this. So now I am holding a poop vigil, checking her diaper every three seconds, interspersed with rectal temperature taking and crying jags for both of us. Fun day.

There is so much about raising a child that we take for granted and we do the way our parents did it because "that's the way it's done." I know millions of children survive the vaccine schedule and I know it makes many lives better as they avoid the awful illnesses the vaccines guard against. I know all this. But when it was my child getting poked and screaming and wondering why we let them stick needles in her, it felt a little different.

I wish she could tell me what she wanted. I am awed sometimes by the responsibilty of motherhood. On Friday night we had our first emergency with the babe. While I was out running she worked herself into such a frenzy that she started having what looked like seizures. When I got home, R was freaked out and calling the doctor. I googled her symptoms and promptly diagnosed her with epilepsy. It was the most scared I think I have ever been. I never want to feel that again and yet I know I have countless nights and hours like that in my future. It is all part of having a child. And nothing has ever frightened me more.

A friend said the other day that she hates travelling by plane with her sons because they are not making the choice to get on that flight. She is making it for them. And if something happened (G-d forbid), it would be her fault they died. That was what I felt yesterday. R and I decided she needed these shots that have since made her little leg swell and bruise, that made her experience her first sense of real pain and that have now made her little tummy hurt all so she could avoid some diseases neither of us have ever even seen. Actually, that's not true. I had pertussis a few years ago. And it was G-d awful. I would not want my child to have it, especially since it can be fatal to the little ones. Overall, I believe we made the right decision. But it was so much harder than I expected and I was totally blindsided by it. Next time, I will do a lot more research before I jump on the "but its just routine" bandwagon.