Wow. It is hard to believe Samara is one month old. She is sturdier. She feels more like a baby now instead of a helpless newborn. It has been a whirlwind month. I feel so much more capable than I did at the beginning. Changing diapers, while no night on the town, has certainly become easier--I now only get pooped on once a week instead of every time. I understand her cries more and am able to respond and soothe her with my new arsenal of tricks.
The last month has sort of been like falling in love. The day she was born, I thought I could never love anything more. But each day it grows. I cannot believe how scared I was that I would not love her like I was supposed to. It is the most natural transition I've ever experienced. Still, I do not feel like a "mother" yet. I just feel like myself with a kid. On the rare occassions I do go out alone, I have to remind myself that I have a child and I keep calling the pediatrician "the vet."
It has been a month of surprises. Samara and I have become a team. I spend so much of my time alone with her and I love it. I spend half my time staring at her, mesmerized by what R and I created. It amazes me constantly. I do not miss work or adult interaction at all. If I could spend the rest of my life alone in the house with R and Samara (and Rocky and Melvin), I would be fine. I have no interest in returning to work or ever putting her in daycare. For all of my questioning before she was born: Would I feel intellectually understimulated? Would I miss being out in the working world? I finally have the answers. There has never been anything more important to me or anything I more want to do than be with Samara and I want that time to just be her mommy. Maybe in a year I will be ready to return to the working world, but the fact that there are 8 weeks left in my maternity leave fills me with dread. The idea that anything I do outside of her could be as important or meaningful as being with her is preposterous.
She grows and changes everyday, just now she is in her baby swing, fast asleep and she already looks bigger than she did last week. She likes to look at the fish mobile in her swing now and watch the lights in the mock aquarium. She listens to my voice and calms when she hears it. Each month will bring so much that is new and exciting and the idea that anyone but me (or R) would share that with her feels so wrong. So my charge now is to find a way to be with her full time because there is no other decision to make.
Here is my lovely girl: