* Thank you to Kristi and Toni Morrison for this title.
Since giving birth to Samara, my world has been changed place. When people say it is impossible to describe how things will change, they are correct. I knew I would have to cater to her needs, but I don't think I fully understood just how many needs she would have. Even if I am hungry, if she is hungry, I have to sit down and nurse her for an hour. Even if I have to go to the restroom, if her diaper explodes, I am holding it until she is clean and safely situated before I can go. If I want to sleep, but she wants to nurse, feed her I must. It is exhausting. The hormones are very helpful in that they provide an undying adoration for my daughter that makes me only want to please her and anyone who knows me knows this is the biggest change of all. Let's just say the art of selflessness was in short supply in my world. But it is amazing how easily I can give myself to her.
Still, there is some grieving for my old life. I knew it would be hard to email and chat with my friends and go to movies and hang out. I had no idea it would be hard to take care of my own basic needs. Last night we were talking about how different our life looked just seven days ago. We went out with friends, to a yoga class and then wached the Pats lose at a friend's party. Our time was ours. How could it have changed so quickly? I am glad I went when I did (lord knows I could not have waited another minute), but it is still so weird to not be able to plan such a monumental life change. As if one minute I am one thing and then next I am another. But I guess that's how most really huge things happen. And I am quickly learning that being a 'planner' does not help me in motherhood. Some nights I will sleep. Some nights I won't. Some days I will eat well and some days I will eat Odwalla bars while my baby nurses. But I think I can do this. K told me today that I need to approach motherhood like I approached labor and be willing to go with whatever happens. Wonderful advice. And I am trying. I certainly have fabulous motivation for it: