The Great Mysteries

Pregnancy is full of mystery for those of us for whom biology was a scary course. Sure, I knew I was a woman--I had all the parts and no tansgendered tendencies. But it constantly amazes me that my body was actually able to do this. I spent my whole first trimester feeling wholly anxious. It was hard for me to imagine that I, who had never before been pregnant, was actually going to be able to do this. How could my body be capable of something I'd never made it do for the past 28 years? Amazingly, it was capable and now I sit, one week from a full term pregnancy, totally staggered by the idea that biology works and that my body was actually able to incubate a baby.

But the "miracle of life" is not the only mystery of pregnany--far from it. There are several other mysterious things that happen to pregnant ladies that I feel must be put out there. They do not teach this stuff in sex ed (and definitely not in the shoddy sex ed program at my high school where half the population apparently missed the whole unit on birth control). With no further adieu, I give you my grand mysteries of the knocked up life:

1.) STAINS
All of my maternity shirts are stained. Yes, ALL OF THEM. I was never a slob before. Sure, I follow the rules of table etiqutte and place my napkin on my lap immediately upon being seated, but I never actually NEEDED it. Now it seems I need a bib. Perhaps this is G-d's way of reminding me that I will soon be in charge of a drooling creature that will spit up. Either way, it is completely bizarre to have stains on all my clothing and I know I am not alone in this. I have seen many pregnant women with similar issues. Why do we become slobbier in pregnancy? And why would maternity clothing be less stain resistant than my other clothes?

2.) FALLING DOWN PANTS
I do not have a single pair of maternity pants that actually stay up. Sure they all have the elastic wait band thing, but it matter not. I am constantly hiking and re-hiking the stupid things. It makes me crazy. I have a more or less permanent plumber's crack.

3.) STRETCH MARKS
Thank G-d I do not have them. I keep reminding myself that I have the will and drive to lose the weight and now it appears there is no permanent damage. But why did I not get them when other women do? Yes, I have slathered on the cocoa butter religiously, but everything I have read says that does not work. Is this just a genetic thing? My mother did not have them so I won't (and if she had, the opposite would have been true)? I am not complaining... but I am hoping that my luck holds out if I ever decided to actually do this again (something that remains to be seen).

4.) BAD ENGINEERING
Now, I am not a structural engineer. But even to me, an engineering novice, it is obvious that birth makes no sense. Last night I read the phrase "and if you have a particularly small pelvis..." in one of my pregnancy books. Excuse me? If I have a particularly small pelvis? How would this be possible? So far my body has seemingly had little trouble sustaining this tiny life. So, why should the end part be so complicated? And why would my body form a baby that was too big for my pelvis? Doesn't my body like me? It is not like I binge drank (much) or smoked (much) or did (many) drugs, so why would my body want to punish me? I choose to ignore this and trust that if my body has gotten me this far, it must know what it is doing.

I am sure that somewhere out there, there is a wise one who knows all the answers to these questions and more. But until I know that person, I throw my questions at the universe.