Saturday, December 16, 2006

The Tale of How I Became a Chili Eating Truck Driver

Ah, pregnancy. A joyous time when the glowing mother sits serenely in her rocking chairs, patting her belly while looking at "What to Expect When You are Expecting." That's the image on the cover of the very cozy classic read by women across the states. Sure the book touches on some of the disgusting things your body will do, but it does not really delve into the depths of the foul things you thought might never happen! You are a lady for goodness sake!

Now maybe some women glide through pregnancy never experiencing these extremely charming symptoms, but poor me with my oh-so-weak stomach that could not handle most "bodily functions," I was ill prepared for the grossness my body would encounter on the road to motherhood. It is kind of like the Wizard of Oz, only instead of the Tin Man, the Scarecrow and the Lion, I am meeting excessive sweating, shortness of breath and flatulence. Yeah, I'm "real pretty" as they say. So, in honor of my dedication to spilling the truth on this blog, I give you my list of horrifying, disgusting pregnancy symptoms** (some of which I have been too embarrassed to even share with my doctor):

**WARNING: Please do not read if you are easily grossed out, I don't need to be told how disgutging I am. I already know.

1.) EXCESSIVE SWEATING: The other day my yoga teacher referred to our babies as "little heaters." She was not lying. Since entering my third trimester, my trusty anti-perspirant/deoderant (no names here) has entered a new phase, also known as it has stopped working completely. I can no longer wear cotton shirts for fear of sweat rings, yes, SWEAT RINGS. Ew. These are what men get on the basketball court, not what I have ever had sitting in my office, trying to type. Now, I obsessively run into the bathroom to check under my arms at least 10 times a day.

2.) FLATULENCE: A long time ago, before we were married, my sister told R, "Sasha never farts." I love my sister. Sure, I might do something ladylike in the privacy of the bathroom, but never would I ever openly share this with the man I love. I had the friends in high school in relationships where they held farting contests. But I preferred some secrets kept as such. I don't need to know his business and he does not need to know mine. And then I got pregnant. Oh.My.G-d. What can I do? Gas ALL the time. And not the pretty, silent kind either. Totally disgusting, noxious fumes of the derriere. Constantly. Even my poor R, who is not weak-stomached has had to leave the room. I am just that alluring.

3.)URINE CONTROL: Not so good. Enough said.

4.) WEIGHT GAIN: Somehow my plan to be the cute, skinny pregnant lady with the little bump on my tummy has been replaced by a more accurate vision: me with swollen arms, swollen face, thick thighs and dimpled behind. I have never been a self-conscious person. In fact, I may have been a nudist in a past life. But not anymore! At the gym, I use a dressing room. Even in the bedroom, I stay covered as long as possible before getting dressed. My body has morphed into something from a 1950's horror movie. And again, it ain't pretty.

5.)CHAFED NIPPLED: Here is where I must ask--WHY? By the end of my first trimester, my breasts felt like they were on fire. Daily. I dreaded taking my bra off for fear of the pain it would cause. Soon after, the pain was replaced by a sort of chapping of my used-to-be-pretty nipples. Apparently, this is normal, just dry skin. The nipples become extremely sensitive prior to breastfeeding. But it is deeply unaattractive, as though someone took a cheese grater to my most sensitive parts. A yummy image, indeed.

I have to stop here for fear that I will alienate my friends and family if I go on with this list (and believe me, I could). For those who are pregger and experiencing similar symptoms: I feel for you. For those who read my list despite feeling slightly repulsed: I love you, you are my loyal friends. One day when I am back to my normal self, maybe you will even want to come into contact with me again. Until then....

Stay tuned until next week when I share the way this pillow is singlehandedly destroying my marriage:

No comments: