I was at a party yesterday where there were three newborns. Suddenly Anni looked huge and I realized we are not in Newborn-town anymore.
It made me sad.
Alan is six months today, one half of a year has gone by. He can grasp things, sit up for about one minute on his own, roll over and babble consonants, but he is still the same newborn I brought home August 4, so red-faced and cozy.
Maybe he always will be.
Because Alan is my youngest, my only boy and he is so much harder than his sister ever was. We joke that the "legend of Samara" will haunt Alan all his days. She who slept through the night at 6 weeks. She who was smiles all the time, independent play at the age of four months, healthy the whole first year (not one fever!) and took bottles like a champ. She who is endlessly independent, witty and inquisitive. How can he ever live up to this?
But he can. He is difficult, to be sure. The last two night, in particular, have been harrowing--up every hour or so. He screams for no reason as though he had colic despite being too old for it. He leaks fluids from his eyes, nose and toes and he has excema, red, peely skin in the folds of his skin that look uncomfortable and make my eyes water in sympathy. He has also had a fever. Twice.
But he smells divine. He is funny and smiles easily and he loves his mama more than anyone. When I came home from yoga last night, his face lit up as though he had been waiting out each second, just for this moment. When I held him, he dug his face into my upper arm and chewed on my shoulder. He clings to me for stability and all night, he needs little reassurances that yes, I am here. And no, I will never leave you.
Alan is not an easy baby, but he is my baby and he is uniquely himself. Maybe this month more than any other I am connecting to the differences between him and Sam and while it may sound like I am saying one is superior, I am not. I love them for the different sides they bring out in me as a mother and for the different people they
are. Sam hated the exersaucer, Alan loves it. Sam loved the sling, Alan hates it.
These are my children.
Would I like more sleep? Hell yes. But would I have wanted a little Sam clone? No way. To have such distinct children is what motherhood is all about and I love watching Alan's little quirks emerge, seeing him become a person and building his own legend.