Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Stressing

As of this Friday, I have three weeks until I am full term. THREE WEEKS?!!!

My feelings at this point are mixed. I am so ready to not be pregnant any more (read: SO ready). I am excited to get my body back to myself, to have runs sans 40 extra pounds, to be able to sleep again. Of course, the irony is that we won't sleep. This new baby will mean a whole lot of shifting and, quite frankly, I am not sure I am up to the task.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my happy life. Sure there are little annoyances: my neighbors, bills, etc. But overall, I am happily married to a man I adore, enjoy my daughter three days a week unencumbered by work and have ridiculous amounts of flexibility in a career that gives me great personal and intellectual satisfaction. I know, I know. Please don't vomit. I sound like I am bragging, but I am really not. Trust me when I tell you that this happiness surprises no one as much as me. Prior to Sam's birth, I had pretty much made a career and life out of whining and being miserable. I think I believed happiness was for the vapid.

Now I just think that is true of people who are content (Hey, I still need someone to feel superior to, after all). I will never be content. I will always think there is more out there, more to do to see, to achieve. But I have been surprised to find that I am actually enjoying my life and that roughly 80 percent of the time I am pretty blissed out, which is why I am pretty terrified that this impending birth is going to shake my foundation.

Driving home from the gym yesterday, I started to realize that in three weeks every piece of my life that I love so much is going to be shaken. My time will be limited by lamphrey the sequel who, if he is anything like his sister, will be attached to my boob for upwards of eight hours a day. This equilibrium I have created is about to be jostled in a major way. This may not be a revelation to some, but to me, it is pretty shocking.

Denial. It is a powerful force.

This kid is going to have to hit the ground running--and so am I. With Sam, there were weeks of fawning over her, weeks of relaxation. With this one, there will be no such thing. I am in the midst of a huge project I do not want to lose. I literally expect to get about three days of maternity leave before I am back in the trenches, writing, interviewing and somehow continuing this pace I have been keeping even with two kids in tow.

Is it any wonder I am curious as to how the !@#(&@(O this is going to work?

2 comments:

Kristi said...

I am feeling much like you are... minus the bliss. ;)

Just like you figured out life and your schedule with Sam, in a month or two following the birth of 2.0, you will figure out your new normal. And if not, misery loves company and I will be in the same situation in a few more months...times 2.

Editorgirl said...

I have no doubt you will be just fine. You are an amazing woman and can handle anything that comes at you. (you know this). I can't believe you only have three weeks left! Has it been that long since I've seen you?