Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Emotions

Today as a drove down the highway sobbing because I missed the baby who is at daycare today, coming back from my midwife appointment where I had just basically had a therapy session more than a check-up, it occurred to me that I am really, really sick of being pregnant or nursing.

I am sick of my hormones being so out of whack that I have to put up with sobbing because my child is in daycare. I am so sick of watching the numbers on the scale climb and feeling like my body is not my own. Last night I watched our son play punching bag with my uterus and rather than be touched, I felt like I was watching some alien try to emerge. It was uncomfortable and unpleasant to say the least and I am not happy in this state.

Pregnancy is beautiful and blah, blah. I should appreciate it and blah, blah. But what if I don't? What if I hate it, resent it and wish I could gestate my children in anyone's uterus besides my own? Does this make me a terrible mom?

I feel guilty because I know there are so many people who want to be pregnant and cannot get there. I want to be all zen and calm. I have the distinct feeling that 30 years from now, I will look back upon this time wistfully (at least that is what people tell me), but for me, now, I can only see that I have 10 weeks left and it is only getting worse from here.

My arms are fat, my face is fat, the scale is registering numbers that terrify me. I am on track to gain 48 pounds yet again. And while I know I will lose it, this time is 100,000 times more difficult because I JUST DID THIS, dammit.

It is also so hard to get so winded I cannot play the game I want to play with my daughter. At nearly 16 months, she is becoming so much fun. She loves to dance and be chased and be silly and I feel so guilty that most of the time, I can only go one or two rounds of chasing before I need to lie down. Picking her up has become hard and my motivation to go out is super low. Yes, I am still working out, but that is such a part of my life, it is like eating. Somehow finding the energy to deal with the other parts is very difficult. The guilt over these things and the fear that I am missing such important parts of her development is what made me sob on Route 9 today.

What idiot says you have to enjoy pregnancy to love your children? That is such a cliched, Hallmark load of crap. I hated being pregnant with Sam and I adore her with every cell in my body. I want myself back. I want to be able to at least somewhat predict my emotions and not feel like I am possessed all the time. This does not, however, mean I will not adore this child.

I need a break. This time I am truly done with pregnancy at least for another 5 or 6 years. I am already talking adventures in birth control with my midwife and would be talking sterilization if we did not think there was the off chance I will want to gestate our third.

In the meantime, I am trying my best to breathe deeply, stay cool and remind myself that next Feb. I will be on a beach in the Bahamas with both my children at a close friend's wedding looking normal in a bikini.

I'll drink to that.

3 comments:

g&c boyarko family said...

Amen!! Good luck with your next 10 weeks...I hope they go by quickly and as painlessly as possible. Just keep remembering that at the end, you will have another beautiful child to love with every cell of your body!!

Kristi said...

As someone who has just seen you, I can honestly say you look fabulous. Of course, this is incredibly easy for me to say, obviously, but honestly, I've seen many, many pregnant women, most of whom do not look half as good as you do.

It's completely normal to want your body back after having your pregnancies so close together. As you said once before, your uterus has now been occupied twice in the same year! But, you have 10 weeks to go, and the end is in sight.

Lis Garrett said...

Ugh. I can totally relate to your feelings. I *hated* being pregnant with my three, mainly because of the hyperemesis and/or all the side effects that went with taking medication to control it. Then there was the constant contractions, numerous trips to the hospital, preterm labor, stalled labor. Nothing about being pregnant (for me) was easy except the actual delivery. I would love to have more children, but I don't think my body could handle it physically. I've always been envious of those who breeze right through. I feel a bit jipped in that I never experienced that "glow."

Well, your feelings are definitely warranted. Hardly anything is more difficult than being pregnant with an active toddler in the house. I certainly hope the time goes by quickly for you and that you return to some sense of normalcy after.