For the most part, I have spent this pregnancy in denial. Even though I am now sporting a rather obvious belly, it is still easy to forget from time to time that I am actually pregger and that there is an actual baby that is coming in 3.5 months that I am going to have to, you know, feed and clothe and like take care of and stuff.
As I am entering into the third trimester (will someone tell me HOW this happened?) I am having more and more moments of, "OMG, what did we get ourselves into? How could we do this? We are so stupid."
I am sure that in two years we will be thrilled that we did it this way as we watch our two children play leapfrog together in the backyard of the lake house (my cheesy idealized vision. Reality check to follow). I am actually envious of siblings who are close in age and always wished my parents had done it that way.
But for us? Initially? Oh. My. G-d. I am terrified. I am scared of the sleep deprivation, the time constraints, the financial aspects. I am scared of the house feeling way too small or the stress of it all rendering me unable to work.
I want to be like Melissa Fay Greene , the writer who spoke at the keynote luncheon at my conference. Not only is she an absolutely gorgeous (and massively successful) writer, she is also the mother of nine children, many of whom she adopted from Africa.
She gave me hope that I have a big enough heart and mind to love my children and have a wildly successful career. After all, I find inspiration in Sam everyday. She is the reason I want to write everyday. She is everything that has ever made me want to push myself harder or achieve more. Why would that not be twice as true with more than one?
In four months I will know the answer. I am sure that I will struggle in the beginning. Look forward to many beseeching posts regarding night nurses and wet nurses and Caribbean islands for moms on the lam. But in all seriousness, I have to believe that I will be able to find the right path for us. I need both my children and my career and, for better or worse, this is the way we have chosen to have our kids. I know we will find the way and somehow we will find a way to get what we all need.