Two anniversaries passed this week.
First, Sat was the 14th anniversary of my mother's death. I kind of ignored it until the afternoon when the neighbor's leaked water through our roof and I flipped out. I think I was flipping about more than the water. In many ways, this has been the least painful since her death and in many others, so much more. Sometimes it is hard to believe that she will never meet her granddaughter, never know her daughter as a mother and never be able to grow old. I worry all the time about what would happen if I left Sam. When I was younger, people always told me it would get easier when I had my own family. And in many ways, it has. But it has also become more painful, the loss more tragic. It will never go away and I will probably never stop missing her. And to pretend like Nov. 17 is just another day... well, that is just stupid. It sucks. It will always suck. The end.
Second, a happy one, the first anniversary of this blog. Since I started keeping this blog for The Family Groove, I have used it to serve a number of purposes. It is a way to keep family members who live far away appraised of our lives. It will serve as a journal for Sam some day when she old like her momma and wondering what pregnancy and her first year were like. It is also a place for me to vent, scream and rant. And a place where I have made some great friends and kept in touch with old ones. In short, blogging has been such a blessing. And I thank all of you who read, comment and basically make it even more fun.
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2 comments:
I can't tell you I know how you feel and I can't even begin to understand the pain of losing your mother, but try somehow to think that your mom is here with you everyday and there is no doubt she'd be very proud of the woman and mother you've become. Happy Thanksgiving S! Love me!
Hi S. I can imagine this was a difficult time for you. I think about all those same things too...the things our Mom's miss out on, the things we miss out on, and the things our children miss out on. I know grief is different for everyone. One thing I have found brings me much peace regarding the loss of my Mom (also 14 years ago in about one month) now that D is here, is that I truly believe she touches us and brings miracles when they are desperately needed. I know it sounds weird, but there are many things in the past 14 years that I truly believe she has intervened in to ensure our safety and happiness. A special guardian angel. And I have to believe our Mom's are with us each day and can see and enjoy our lives to some extent, even though they are physically not present. You and I know that never a day goes by when there isn't a thought about our Mom's, and we also know that will never change. I just try hard to focus on all that my Mom was able to give to me in the years I had her here on earth, and then try hard to pass those same things on to my son. If I can give him just a fraction of what she gave me, I know he will be successful as he will define success. Please know I am here to talk if you ever need to, and though our circumstances are probably different, I do understand what it means to lose a mother. Although I didn't know you Mother, I have no doubt that she is so very proud of you in all the roles you have acquired during your lifetime!!
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