When I was three, my mother and I came between a moose and her young while we were camping in Alaska. It was late. I needed to go to the outhouse. We trudged out of our tent just in time to see a baby moose fly in front of us. His mom was behind us looking like one of those cartoon animals with steam shooting from its ears. It was as if we'd worn red and shouted "toro." Basically, we were screwed.
Since I am still alive today, you are probably guessing I survived. You have guessed correctly, wise one. My mom and I lived to tell the tale by hiding in the outhouse for no less than 2 hours. The moose reunited with her son and all was well in the world. My mom was proud of the protective instinct that sheltered her child from the evil moose so I never had the heart to tell her the truth--that moose could have trampled the plastic blue outhouse like it was a coke can. She chose not to kill us.
These days I am totally channelling that moose. I am telling you, it is primal. On Thursday a man in a Lexus SUV cut me off in traffic. Like any good Mass Hole, I honked and gave him the finger. Then that gas-guzzling yuppy freak decided to play a little game by stopping suddenly in my lane so that I had to swerve to avoid him. Behind me, little Samara's head was slightly jostled. My first thought was wow, you are really cool old man. Next up I am guessing he plans to buy a corvette, dye his hair and date a Tufts student. Then it dawned on me that, had I not been paying attention, his little mid-life crisis game could have killed my child. My child who is three months old for whom a trip to Babys R Us is still as exciting as an African Safari. My next thought was fierce. I wanted to stop my car, pull him from his unnecessarily large vehicle and pound his head into the pavement. And that was just the appetizer. Elizabeth Bathory has nothing on the sadistic vision I came up with for this man's demise. He might as well have been the state of Ohio the day after the 2004 election for the level of hate I heaped upon him.
All I am saying is death by moose would be humane compared to the fun in store for the man who dares come between me and my baby. Some moms would lift cars. I would gladly kick heads. Tell me, who would not remove eyeballs for this face?